The one thing could be sex, living together, having a child (or several), or even sharing a bank account. Something that’s done where one of the couple isn’t 100% on board.

Having caved on that thing, later when something else comes up – planning a wedding, buying a house, deciding between job offers – the foundation of the relationship is seen for what it really is: A farce. It’s made up of so much bending and caving that nothing is real. It’s sand, and it won’t take much to start the erosion.

Later, when those initial feelings that started the relationship wear off, something will take its place. Life abhors a vacuum. For many it’s feelings of resentment – toward yourself, toward the spouse, toward life. “What was I thinking?!” Then one day you wake up and realize the relationship is a hollow shell. It looks great from the outside. You have a house, a business, two kids, a few friends, and a comfortable life. But you’re not connected to anyone, and connection is what you want more than anything.

This is where life becomes a trudge because you’re trying to live a normal life with someone you’re not connected to in a non-tangible way. Your friends talk about how they love long car rides because they can finally talk and connect, and you think to yourself, “Our conversations are about events, happenstance, and problems…not life.” You hang out with a buddy or two, start talking marriage, and learn that your pals really do love their spouse with intensity and deep satisfaction. You, however, do not. Soon you begin to notice that it’s not just the relationship that’s a shell, but you yourself are becoming…no, you are a shell. There’s nothing left inside that makes you, you.

Seeing how very different your life and relationship is compared to your friends, you erect the strongest wall internally you can muster. No one shall enter and see how truly messed up things are. No one would even want to – they would take one look and run. And these assumptions are only confirmed by the few you’ve already let in for a sneak peek who had no words of grace, no understanding, no helpful kinship, only judgement and the “call me if you need anything” reply folks give when they just want to exit your life as quickly as possible. So the walls go up until a force from within – regret, primarily – will burst them open again some day down the road.

It started out so blamelessly and well-intentioned, and with great hope, this relationship. And now all you can think about is what life would be like divorced, knowing that the divorce path will come with sacrifices you can’t begin to imagine right now in terms of your relationship with your kids, your business, your friends, and all future relationships.

“If only I hadn’t caved on that one thing… if only I had stuck to what I knew was right for me… if only I remained open for someone I am compatible with.” These thoughts echo through the mind several times per day, building a case for parting.

The end is undetermined. There are plenty of older generations who lived like this and simply stuck it out. Maybe the partners had an affair or two, or maybe they just dug in and stayed together because parting was too costly. There are others who divorce and couldn’t be happier with their new lives. Others divorce and wish they hadn’t. Some kids in the broken family end up strong and aware of what’s up. Other kids secretly take on the blame and later have to work it out. The same could be said about kids who are raised in a broken marriage. There is no template.

What can be said is this: To anyone single and looking for their match to marry, stick to your guns. Stay true to what you know is best for you, and in so doing you’ll be better equipped to serve your partner. You’ll serve them out of love, not obligation. You’ll be with someone you’re connected to in the intangible ways. You’ll have a contentment in life that many long for.

One section jumped out at me, and caused an internal rant. I’d like to spill that rant out of my head and onto this blog.

The section is from Matthew 5, verses 21-26.

Jesus is talking about anger and forgiveness. I find myself angry a lot of the time lately, so this felt good to read Jesus talk to my problem. What’s surprising is that Jesus applies layers to the sin of anger and how we vent anger. He sets up a series of if/then scenarios that have different layers of results.

Here’s the Son Of God telling me that sin may lead to the same Final Outcome, but in it’s practicality, different sin gets treated differently. Hmmm…that’s not what I was taught in church growing up – myriad pastors told me “all sin is equal in God’s eye.” Did their Bible leave this part out?

Onto the next section: Forgiveness and reconciliation. Versus 23-24 present me with Jesus’ command that reconciliation is not just for rare occasions where there’s mutual desire to mend the relationship, but it’s a mandate before I can present an offering before God. Jesus says in these verses “…if you remember someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”

This does not align with what I hear from the majority of Christians whom I’ve talked to about forgiveness and reconciliation.

What I hear the most is something like: Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. That doesn’t seem to fit with what I’m reading in these two verses. What’s more, Jesus comes back to the topic just a few minutes later in his teaching, in 6:14-15, only this time he removes any doubt about the importance of forgiveness: “If you forgive those who sin against you, your Heavenly father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

My conversations on this topic are split 50/50. Half the people I’ve talked with believe that we need not forgive unless forgiveness is requested. When scripture is not used, they make very compelling arguments. The actual words of Jesus seem to get in the way of a good point, though, so I think I’ll focus in on asking God to help me forgive those who’ve trespassed against.

This section of the SOTM has me thinking big picture, too. Here are some general statements I hear the most:

You only need to forgive those who ask for forgiveness.

I can forgive someone, but I don’t have to reconcile with them. I can just forgive them in my head.

Jesus wouldn’t tell us today to let the dead bury themselves.

When Jesus said to chop of your hand or gauge out your eye if it causes you to sin, he wasn’t being serious. We need to manage our problems, not cut them off completely.

Jesus’ teaching about divorce was for his generation, not ours.

Jesus’ command to love our enemies doesn’t apply to “the terrorists.” We need to bomb the hell out of them.

Jesus command to not judge, and not fulfill an eye-for-eye doesn’t apply to capital punishment. 

I’ll forgive, but I’ll never forget (9/11…hoorah!)

It’s ok if I look at another woman/man so long as I don’t act on it.

Jesus didn’t mean he was literally coming back. It was a figure of speech; and illustration.

God couldn’t have created the entire universe in 6 literal days. It was a metaphor. That’s why climate change is so radical in the context of billions of years (not so much in the context of thousands, ey?)

At what point does a person stop this kind of thinking, stand erect, and admit to themselves and those around them that they don’t actually believe what they think they do? Perhaps some of us (most of us?) should do as Brennan Manning suggests and stop what we’re doing, get on the floor and beg mercy from the God we half believe in (paraphrase). I’ve had to do that many times when I’m confronted with truth. Biblical truth, that is.

Perhaps I’ve crossed over into being a fundy. Or maybe I’m on to something. Maybe the gospel is a scandal. Maybe the cross is just as infuriating to our logic as it was to those back then. I wonder how I’d feel or react if Jesus confronted my clinging to grief over the loss of my grandparents as it relates to my following him and doing his work? Lewis was right: He’s not a tame lion.

My recent posts have been very short for a reason – I’ve been getting free from some shit that’s plagued my mind and soul for years.

It started around a month ago while seeing my psychologist. We talked about a few things that eventually led me to a big moment: I realized that my default way of thinking about people is that everyone hates me, or is at least very annoyed by my existence. It sounds silly to say aloud or write, but it’s true. When a person crosses my mind throughout the day that person’s vibe is totally negative toward me. This applies to literally everyone I’ve ever met, even my wife, my son, my parents, my clients, my vendors, my friends, pals, and tweeps. Everyone. The consequence is that I go through each day interacting with people based on the belief/assumption that I am loathed.

The doc and I talked this through. I had never thought about the way I think before, so as I spoke this realization aloud it was a surprise to hear it – surprised by how awfully true it is. My doc is a good man, a follower of Jesus, and so we spent the last 10 minutes of our time with him praying for me after I told him that it’s one thing to know what’s wrong with me; it’s something entirely different to know what to do about it. His response was that this is when God can do His best work.

Two days later I’m praying about the realization when a thought whispers in my head: My default way of thinking about people isn’t limited to people; I have the same, perhaps deeper, assumptions about God’s attitude toward me. In short, I don’t believe that God loves me, or would want anything to do with me. 

Stunned. It’s true. That is exactly what I believe in my gut-of-guts.

And isn’t it funny how all this works together? I realized all this starting with people, then realized it about God, and then it hit me that this is why I can’t seem to get beyond Step 3 in my 12 Step program of recovery from an addiction. I can say the 3rd step prayer, but the actual Step wording is something I am really struggling to digest and believe.

Having realized all of this I confessed it to God.

See, it’s not that I don’t believe in God – I do. I also believe He is a loving God…just toward other select people; me not included.

When I confessed this some stuff started to happen.

First, one of the primary contacts from the old house church reached out to me. I’ve blogged a lot about the pain that first house church’s breakup caused, and over our 3 hour lunch the door was opened to share how much I feel like I screwed all those relationships over to the point of fatality. The conversation was good, and from it my family and I visited our old house church crew at a BBQ a couple days later. It turned out to be a huge experience for us.

At the BBQ I was a guest again amid people who I assumed I had fucked things up so royally that I could never show my face around them again. Yet I found myself having a few conversations, all very graceful and friendly, and my fears began to subside. It was a good experience – one that I am grateful to have been part of.

Leaving the BBQ I had such peace about everything. I had forgiven myself, I had forgiven those who hurt me, and I was at peace with where things are now. When we got home my wife and I talked, and the short it was that we decided to pull our house off the For Sale market. We could no longer be followers of people – trying to move our lives to be closer to people who might not be committed to us for the long haul, for better or worse. We had to peacefully carve out our own space, and it meant staying put here. I never would have thought I’d have peace about staying in this little village. But I do.

The peace of mind then extended into every relationship I have – family, friends, pals, etc. Whereas I am normally an easily-bruised soul, wanting connectivity with a few people I value a ton, I can only describe that my heart changed over the course of a week. I’m now at peace, completely, with all relationship status’. I think it’s the “accept the things I cannot change” part of the Serenity Prayer fully realized in my life (for now?).

So that’s where things are at now. I no longer spend weekends thinking about what I’m not doing, whom I’m not with, but just being at peace doing a lot of yard work, watching a lot of Netflix, and goofing off with my son. It’s a simple life that has taken a lot of time and big realizations to accept.

As for the big realization part, that’s still very much in play. I’m finding that I cannot turn my default way of thinking off. I’m in a constant battle. And as for these beliefs as they relate to God, nothing has changed. I’ve confessed that this is where I’m at, I’m open for change, but I don’t have the slightest idea where to start. So I wait.

Bottom line is that I’ve experienced real peace of mind in several big areas, and it all seems to have been born out of a stark confession after a blunt realization. Not sure what happens next.

Staying Put in Wyoming, Ohio

Cheers.

There are no words…yet. Just one: Freedom.

Freedom from the lies and filters I’ve allowed myself to live by.

By the grace of God I’m being loosed.

I’ve had other times where lights have come on.

I vividly remember a design project while in college where I used the creation process to accept the truth that God made me in His image, and specifically, He made me a creative person, a designer. It would be some ten years later before I would accept that I’m an artist.

Or around a year ago – early springtime 2010 – when I faced the truth that I am an addict, and joined a 12 Step program. That led to the truth that the addiction wasn’t specific to one thing, but that I was practicing several addictions. Bottom line is that the addiction is merely the outer working of a life directed by sin internally. “Self-will run riot.” Drink, drugs, lust, food, anger, control, risk…these are the porticos of the soul. The real condition is found in the inner rooms.

We face truth and truth is often a call to action. As a branding guy I get that. Truth demands action, almost every time. The upside is that when one is faced with stark, beautiful, terrifying truth, the intimidation and fear are only second to the clarity and clear-headedness truth causes.

Jesus is quoted as saying, “I am the Truth…” or “the Truth will set you free…” and now more than ever those statements scare me. I have a deep fear of God.

Will He know me?

Am I known by Him?

What I’m doing right now, if I were to die in the next instant, is my life a reflection of gratitude and response to Truth?

These are the thoughts that cross my mind over and over throughout the day.

I’m an asshole. It’s my fault. Truths. No idea what comes next.

This time around I’ve left the timeline wide open. Truth is, I don’t know when or if I’ll be back at all. I’m sharing my reasoning, in varying degrees of transparency, with different friends, getting their feedback. It’s interesting what conversations have come up in just a few days, ranging from nothing at all (“Do what’s good for you, Dan”) to eye rolls (“Dan, I think you take things too seriously at times”) or frustration (“Facebook is how we see your son; that’s very selfish of you”).

Here are a few of my reasons.

Neck Strain. Most of the people I interact with on Facebook represent my past. People I knew from grade, junior, and high school – not to mention college – are not part of my current offline life. As a result I’m constantly in two worlds, that of my past, and the now. I’d like to at least spend more time in the now.

Resentorama.  Resentments are a biggie for me. I hold grudges. For years. If I had unresolved differences with someone, they are as alive to me today as the day they surfaced. The problem is that a lot of people that I’ve been too  chickenshit to mend fences with are also Facebook pals. I see them, their lives, how I’m no longer a welcome part of it, and it pisses me off on a very, very deep level. Not good.

Old Flames.  I asked my wife one day, “How many Facebook (guy) friends have you made out with?” thinking that it was normal for one to have a lot of their ex’s as Facebook pals. She didn’t answer the question. Maybe it’s that I always ended past romances in either nuclear drama, or in a true “let’s just be friends, k?” but I have a hard time resisting the Add To Friends button. The downside is obvious. I truly don’t need to have all those ex’s as “friends.”

“Friends.”  This is tied with first place in my reasoning. Most of my connections are not actually “friends” in the literal sense. Yet I’m allowing these people in to my life by way of thoughts (posts), photos, etc. I hate what Facebook has done to the term “friend.”

Time.  It’s so simple, yet so difficult. Time. I do a poor job of managing time. As a business owner, father, husband and real friend, I scold myself every time I realize that I have devoted actual seconds to reading the thoughts of some chick I may have said 5 words to in 6th grade or in Sunday School. What am I thinking? Why am I reading the thoughts of all these people?! I caught the social media bug in 2004 or 5 with myspace. I used myspace a ton. I was an early adapter when Facebook opened up beyond schools. It’s not even been a decade, but it seems like 2-3 decades. I need to do an overhaul in time management for my life, family, and career.

It all adds up to some really inane bullshit. Living in the past, a conduit for maintaining resentments, old romances, false friends, and bad time management. And the upside is…. what, again? What makes Facebook better than a phone call?

I miss the world pre-internet. Yes, I see the ironies of writing that. Doesn’t make it less true.

So right now I’m high on being sober of Facebook. I’m still tweeting, tumblring, and Linkedin’ing. It’s Facebook that is my poison. Need some serious, long time away. So long as I leave a reentry date undefined I might just make it to “never.” That’s a worthy goal.

I loved listening to her sing. She would sit down at a piano where ever we were, and start playing “Send In The Clowns” or “Raining In Baltimore.” There was one time in particular that stands out. We were driving down a country back road after visiting my home town for a weekend day, and I had some country music cranked up. It was Tim McGraw’s “Don’t Take The Girl.” At the start of the second verse Stephanie starts harmonizing with Tim on the radio, and continued harmonizing for the balance of the song!

Her ear for music balance was keen, too. I was impacted not just by her spot-on second and third part harmonies, but also by how she belted them out with a volume dynamic that never overtook Tim’s lead. That’s what a good harmony does.

She encouraged me to sing in front of people. She was one of the few I’d ever sang in front of, and that harmonizing with the radio stuff was inspiring.

Five years later I’m living in Zion, Illinois and feel led to a church across the street. Turns out they need a worship band leader, and I’ve been in worship bands as a guitarist for the last 5 years. But I hadn’t let anyone hear me sing. The pastor met with me a few times and asked if I’d like to try leading. I agreed, and set a practice date.

I remember thinking: These people don’t know me from Adam…I could just walk in there and act like I’ve been singing for years and years, and no one would know the difference unless I really suck. I wonder what would happen…

Well, that’s exactly what I did. I came to the first practice, set up a mic for myself, plugged in my guitar and began leading, playing, and singing in front of all these strangers. It was liberating.

While I’m totally comfortable leading a worship band, or any band for that matter, what I love most is singing in harmony with other musicians. For the last year or so I was part of a small church that had a trio of us who did just that from time to time. Harmony means you’re part of something. It’s like the community of music. Cheesy, probably…but also the truth.

Guess I’m just in an allegorical mood. Finding a lot of meaning in harmony tonight.