danielredbeard’s weblog

This blog has had a good run, and I believe the time is ripe to leave it be and consider it to have accomplished its purpose. I actually have 2 other blogs out there, both – like this one will soon be – were abandoned after I felt like the time was right.

Quite frankly, I’m stuck:  I have a lot of stuff within me that I would love to have a friend near by to hash it out with. But I don’t, so I take to this blog for a PG version that omits about 50% of what’s really going on in my head. Today I wrote a post that I didn’t publish because I thought it was too personal or at least too painfully honest. With that being case I just don’t see how it’s of any value to continue writing heavily censored versions of my thought life.

The End.

Two happenings have me thinking again about the concept of community.

First, yesterday I wrapped up “Turn My Mourning Into Dancing” by Henri Nouwen, after a friend passed it along to me in light of the death of my grandpa. This book was such a God-send… literally. It’s short and packed full of to-the-point insights from a humble, yet experienced, mind. The book went into areas I did not anticipate such as how we (I) tend to get into trouble with expectations in relationship with friends and our faith communities. As I read the pages it felt at times like Henri had been parked in the margins of my mind over the past 12 months, jotting notes, and this was his reply to me.

The most pointed parts in regard to relationship is Henri’s calling out our (my) tendency to want to control the response of others as we want to enter into more meaningful relationships – could be strictly within a faith community, a marriage, new friendship, etc. If I understand his thoughts correctly, and the scripture he backed his point up with, it’s almost like we (I) make our relationships into little – or big – gods that are used to fuel self-value instead of looking solely to God for that kind of validating love.

This was not a light point for me because of one particular relationship I’ve ben pursuing since mid-summer.

We were at a local mega-church (or “God Mall” per an older blog post) when a young couple stepped forward to talk about the community they live in. Turns out it was the same community my wife and I live in, and what they described was precisely what has frustrated us so much over the past three years. Specifically, how this little community is very insular; fenced and hedged backyards are where folks spend their times instead of open front porches or city parks. It’s cold. It’s difficult to have casual conversation with a fellow resident if you actually see one out and about. This community keeps to itself on a level that is quite frankly disturbing. It is my Nineveh, and I can’t help but look at our dark little house as resembling the belly of a large fish. Anyway, it’s very hard to make new friends here due to how isolation is the way of life.

After the young couple spoke, I approached them, introduced myself and we had a great conversation about being in agreement toward the little village we live in. We exchanged email addresses, and I invited the husband out for a drink or meal. Two weeks of delayed plans turned into four weeks. That then turned into eight weeks, and I’ve now lost count how many times he has said he would call to set up a time to meet only to not call.

Two things emerge in my mind from this:  One, I need to heed Nouwen’s advice about relationship gods. I’ve found myself on the verge of anger and resentment because this guy and his wife led a few thousand people in prayer for our shared village only to treat me in precisely the way we prayed would cease. It’s almost surreal. To me it’s like someone complaining that people drink too much water from plastic bottles while he drinks water from a plastic bottle as he complains. Yet I cannot get worked up about this. I need only to look to God and ask him to have his will be done here as it is in Heaven.

The other thing is the truth that I share a part in the disinterest. I can come across really strong to new people – while I have an inner drive to pursue people, it can also be too strong of a drive, and that seems to turn people away. Can’t even begin to count the number of people where this has been the case – I come across too strong, people flee. I get that, and for the past 8 months I’ve made an effort to back off. I have much more work to do in this area. So I accept that part of the problem here is that I may be just too forward about wanting to get to know this fellow brother in Christ.

I have no idea what the balance is. All I know is that in community, there needs to be a lot more looking beyond myself per Nouwen’s thoughts on relationships. From what I gather from both Nouwen’s book, and a few recent podcasts from Ravi Zacharias, prayer is the only way to see a change happen within me.

Autumn is en route. I saw no less than 3 bees dying on sidewalks today. Poor fellas. This time of year is to be absorbed deeply, every day of it. Summer days can blend together so easily, but autumn days and nights… they are special.

I am still sugar-free as of today, and I am in full-blown motivation mode. I feel great, I’ve dropped some pounds, and my workouts are feeling really different this past week – I feel and see progress like I’ve not seen in a long time.

Had a good practice over the weekend with the new church band thing. Really liking the make-up of this group, and I was told in prayer yesterday that I need to be careful with that. I know myself too well – the band and the music we play can become a ‘god’ of sorts before I know it. Need to keep my focus on Jesus.

Really missing my grandpa lately. The grieving process is so unpredictable, yet certain patterns emerge that I wish I could change or just be done with. I’ve noticed that I have become very emotionally sensitive on weekends, but only when I’m alone. Not on weekdays. Not when I’m with people. Just that combo. I would like to get to Illinois soon, but I just don’t see it happening unless there’s an emergency. Money, responsibilities here in Cincy, money, etc. I know my first trip back to Illinois since his death is going to be an emotional one. Perhaps I’m avoiding it?

Ok, I’ll finally admit it:  I miss my iPhone. Yes, we had a bad breakup. Yes, AT&T is the second skankiest whore when it comes to cell service (second only to CinBell). But my pal Chris told me last week that Apple put video in the new Nano’s to prep for the iPod Touch w/video that will be coming soon. Apple is also ramping up ads on current iPod Touch models, which means they want to move inventory. If history repeats itself, the new Touch will be out pre-Christmas season. I will have one, only I’m keeping Verizon for phone service since AT&T can’t seem to get that part right.

There are times when I look at my son with a love within me that I did not know I was capable of.

Does it really matter if the 10 Commandments are displayed on public property or schools? Really?! I just don’t get it. I read Jesus say to give “Ceasar what is his” and I think, “That courthouse/school/fire station, etc. is Ceasar’s property.” BFD. It’s as though some Christians want these symbols to replace what people are supposed to do. Irks me…

My new favorite snack:  Handful of almonds + banana.

Matthew 6:9-13 (New Living Translation)

Pray like this: Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. Give us today the food we need, and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one.

Matthew 6:9-13 (New Living Translation)

Pray like this: Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. Give us today the food we need, and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one.

Today I was surprised by the questions that entered my mind about the passage above, where Jesus teaches about how to pray. Here are some of the questions:

Is capitalism in heaven? No. Why do I spend so much effort and emotion defending it?

Is democracy in heaven? No. So why is it so damn important to me?

Is conflict over my need to be right in heaven? Not at all. So why try to hold on to it now?

Is the “American Dream” in heaven? No… then why do I still get a high when I buy/consume stuff?

Is the Pledge of Allegiance to a flag in heaven? Nope.

A few other thoughts, too, but those need some more development. Recently I have felt like what some drunks describe as the “miserable morning after” with regard to American politics. I can get REALLY wrapped up in it – in healthcare, in tax policy, in public/socialized education, and so on. So wrapped up and on fire that I lose sight of the fact that my surrender to Jesus, according to the gospel, means that I’m a citizen of the kingdom of heaven – not the USA.

My point is that there’s a lot of Americanism intermingled with gospel truth, and that is a toxic cocktail.

All of these thoughts, btw, are entering my mind, and I consider myself the single most Conservative individual that I know. These are not thoughts that Conservatives normally consider. And that in and of itself is proof that I need a lot of grace – I still write out “Conservative” to describe myself, as though it matters.

[I decided I should post some lighter stuff after reading the last several posts - when I read these posts in a few years I'll see how skewed it was toward the negative when there is actually a lot of positive stuff going on right now, too.]

Random and lighter stuff…

Since last Saturday I have begun my experiment to give up sugar until Halloween. I just want to see how I feel for at least a month off of sugar, and see what kind of health benefits it has. My friend Tracy is also doing this with me so I have a source of encouragement and accountability. Our spouses, however, are here to tempt and mock. So far so good. The first two days I had the shakes, and it’s really more of just a hassle in trying to find foods that don’t use sugar. It’s especially difficult for me, though, because I really like candies like Sweedish Fish, Sour Patch anything, and these things called Qubz. I can report that in 6 days my pants are already looser around my belly. Looking forward to surprises like that.

One of the things I’ll miss about giving up sugar is that I won’t be eating ice cream. The last time we got hot fudge sundae’s from McD’s I did something I always wanted to do: Upon getting our ice cream I told the window lady, “I need 2 sacks of nuts, please” and smiled. She busted out laughing and said something about me not knowing how that sounded. I replied, “Oh yes, I worded it that way on purpose.” She was bent over laughing and a co-worker, a black dude who had a face that you just knew he loved to laugh, came to see what was up. I repeated my request, adding “We love nuts – we love nuts in our mouth” and smiled and laughed. It was a good time. I’m sure I’ll splurge eventually on some ice cream, and when I do, I’ll do it again.

That’s about all the light stuff I can think of for now.

It’s a rainy, lazy Sunday and it seems like the perfect time to jot down some of the thoughts I’ve about this season of life I’m in.

I call it “The Year of Loss” in my mind. Some highlights:

• House Church.  The house church we began our journey with imploded. The ripples of how it all played out still sting me today. I blogged about it plenty, so I’ll not rehash all that. Suffice to say, when I think about that house church the only thing I think of is: rejection.
• Our literal house. In August 2008 we put our house up for sale, hoping that a young family or an older person would want to move to this quaint, quite little town. Eleven months later we took the house off the market after hearing from God that we had been faithful to do what He asked us to do. We had so many hopes, plans, etc. for living and working in Anderson Twp. I still have hope it will happen. Not sure when, though.
• Andrea’s leg surgery.  Perhaps the straw that broke the camel’s back in our marriage. We had no idea how big the surgery’s aftermath would be – it impacted so many aspects of our life. She just recently began walking without a cane after months of crutches and limping along. It will be a year before she’s remotely 100% again, according to her doc. We have another trip to Detroit coming up soon for her last follow-up.
• My marriage. Never did I think that at Year 5 we’d be 18 weeks into marriage counseling, with our counselor saying, “A separation might be the best thing for you two.” If ever there was a time when we needed a faith community, the Body of Christ, it is now.
• Grandpa. The single biggest death experience of my life so far. I still can’t believe it. I’ve gone to pick up the phone to call him SO MANY times. It was just 6 weeks from diagnosis to death. Yet I’m torn, too, because while his death was sudden and intense, it was also the most beautiful presentation of God’s relentless grace and love I’ve ever seen with my eyes and soul. I’m still reeling from all that happened during that week in July. I’m also very, very depressed if I’m honest with myself.
• Uncle Richie. A really good man – silent but strong and most importantly, a rock of strength for my aunt Nancy.
• Aunt Judy.  I knew she was a person who overflowed with God’s love, but I didn’t know to what extent until her funeral. Wow.
• A few clients. Even though I know it is God who sets my table, a few client have had to close shop this year, and it’s really sad to hear about. Two of my clients have made big headlines in Cincy’s business publications due to their closing or layoffs. I hope our government wises up and realizes “trickle up” doesn’t work – it takes wealth creators to keep an economy like ours running. Under current leadership I don’t see things improving.

There’s more, but I’m tired of thinking about it all. Some of the bigger stuff is just too personal, too dark to mention on a blog. Anyway, I hope there is something good to come out of this for someone. In all of the poop I know I am blessed. Despite losses my family is intact. My business is going very well. My son is healthy and happy. I get to work from home and be with him. I can wake each day and go through an exercise routine – I can walk, run, lift weights, and leave the house without assistance. I really do think about that stuff a lot. Sometimes I’ll realize I’m breathing on my own and thank God for it. I try to take nothing for granted. It’s an impossible goal, but I try.

I don’t recite the Pledge Of Allegiance, but I do hum along to the National Anthem whenever I hear it. Every day at 12pm ET, the local AM power talker, 700 WLW, plays a moving rendition of the national anthem, and I find myself humming along.

The thing is, when I hum with the song, I always hum the bass notes, not the melody. Less frequently I will take up humming the stringed instruments that are playing out the second part harmonies, and it’s very rare that I’ll actually hum the melody.

When I do this, I end the song with the same thought:  The music of this song is the perfect ideal picture of what America… and dare I say, Community?… really is.

The reason for this consistent thought is that the national anthem ends by all of the instruments playing the same note. Throughout the song there are multilayered harmonies and melodies, and in larger band versions there can sometimes be percussion with sub-beats and top-beats. All of that in addition to the melody most of us sing at graduation ceremonies and ball games.

Hear all of the parts being played; hear them climax at the end – ringing out with one note played and sang in unison.

If I recorded just myself humming the part I always hum it would be a very different song. I doubt many would even recognize it for what it is. It needs context, its natural home.

That’s what I see as the ultimate picture of America and Real Community as a whole. The different parts play out as they are intended, and even though they sound or look so incredibly different, they are as crucial to the big picture as the melody itself.

As I understand Obama and Congress’ proposals on health care reform and the Public Option, they essentially want to start a business, a health insurance business. By doing so they will inject competition into the health care insurance marketplace, where the Federal Government offers an inexpensive health insurance policy to those who otherwise couldn’t afford it in the open, fiercely-regulated market (note I did not say “free market” because it is not a free market – govt. oversight, red tape and obstacles ensure that).

What I and a few million other people are saying in response is, essentially: Hell No.

Why? Are we greedy people who like to see America’s poor and struggling class become poorer and struggle more? Are we racists who will shoot down anything our black president offers as a solution to a problem? Are we just right-wing-whackjobs who are this close to starting a militia where we handle snakes and speak in tongues while shouting “Praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition!”?

If you read/watch/listen to HuffPo, DailyKos, Politico, or ABCNBCCBSCNNMSNBCPBS you’d think not one, but all of the aforementioned attributes are dead on about the vocal opposition.

They are wrong – this is an ideological difference that has no compromise. One side will win, the other side will lose. That’s how life works.

The biggest problem with a government run public option, or govt. regulated “reform” in general is that it betrays common sense on 2 levels:

1. By saying that the public option and/or “reform” will bring competition to the health insurance industry, Obama and his followers are agreeing that allowing national competition is a good thing. As it stands, there are myriad regulations preventing real competition across state lines. Obama and the Dem plan(s) offer us the public option and “reform” which will make available a Federal insurance program much like Medicare that will not be subject to the marketplace regulatory hurdles every other insurance company has to jump over. It’s like Obama agrees with what us free market people are saying, but he wants only the Federal government to be free to offer insurance on a national level without the red tape.
2. There is no Federal program that we can look to as a fiscal success. Every Federal program in existence is one that screams “Feed Me!” every budget circle. So while Obama and Democrats want us to believe that this new “reform” will be fiscally responsible, it’s pie in the sky because history tells us otherwise. They are saying, “Don’t look at every other historical reference, or learn from every other failed and/or poorly-run Federal program… this one will be different. We promise – we’ll even tax the ‘rich’ to make sure it is so.”

Just pause a minute and reflect on the past 9 months. Obama passed the huge stimulus that is supposed to create “green jobs” because the jobs that come and go in a natural open economy weren’t the kind of jobs he liked or thought were in our best interest.

Then the car companies. The vehicles produced from the automotive industry are not the kind Obama is comfortable with being on the road. I give you “cash for clunkers” and Government Motors. Obama knows better about the automotive industry.

Where we invest our earned income has been ceaselessly in the spotlight. There is talk in Washington of issuing savings bonds instead of checks for tax refunds in the near future. Why? Because Obama knows better – that we should save more, and not just in the revamped Wall Street, but in the Federal Government. Obama knows better.

Now it’s health care. Obama knows better than we do.

Do I dare mention carbon credits/cap-and-tax? Do I spend more time covering the soldiers fighting overseas for a purpose that is about as unclear as it gets?

Never mind that the Federal government did not create any of these industries. Never mind Obama himself has never created a single job, managed or owned a business, or has any kind of health care background whatsoever.

This is all just common sense observation. I don’t claim to have any kind of superior insight. I don’t watch Fox News, I don’t listen to AM talk radio, and I don’t frequent right-wing blogs. If anything, I spend a lot of time on MSM media, and other assorted outlets shaking my head at how so many people could be persuaded into wrong thinking so easily.

At the end of the day I care, but not too much. What will happen will happen. Jesus the Christ is my king and I bow to no other. His kingdom come… soon, please.

What a week. Two deaths, two visitations, two funerals, and saw the side of my family that I rarely see twice in one week, which actually was quite nice, albeit under sad circumstances. I’ll see them again in a few weeks for our annual family reunion, and that’s not a bad thing. Lots of toddlers whom are extended cousins will get more play time together, and that’s something I value a lot.

Just some random stuff going to and fro in my head… I did have 20 hours behind the wheel in the last week, so that’s a lot of time to think.

Health care reform. I keep hearing phrases like “reduce costs” or “competition” and when  a Democrat uses those words, a working person should raise alarm. The fact is, the plans put forth will reduce costs (allegedly) for the Federal Government, and it may just happen due to the “competition” of an entity that both regulates and sells.

What if Walmart were put in charge of all Commerce in the USA, and still sold its wares to the general public? That’s precisely what Obama and his sheep want to do.

I’ve noticed that the people I know who are most in-favor of a Public Option or “reform” are those who meet the following criteria:

• They do not buy their own health insurance – an employer helps them pay for it on some level…
• They have never dealt with Medicare or Medicaid directly or indirectly with a loved one…
• They are not fully educated on what an HSA is – they typically shoot it down without saying why, specifically…

The solution is to get Big Brother out of the way of real, actual competition. So what if all of the companies migrate to the same state, as Obama warned during the campaign. Illinois has a lot of major insurance company HQs, and he’s not complaining, I’m sure.

Anyway…

Modern day country music is a mess. For some reason or sick joke by God, my son loves watching GAC, and so I have to listen to it. I turned to my wife the other day and said, “Country music is in the business of mortgaging shame.” And it’s true:  The antics, the cute-aw-shucks bullshit, the props… makes me sick. I’m a fan and lover of bluegrass. That is the real music of the southern roots of our country. But this crap called country music is nonsense. I thought 1980s glam metal was bad…

Anyway…

Tomorrow, 09/11/09, will mark 5 years of marriage for Andrea and I. My gut says she’s pregnant right now. Time will tell.

Anyway…

I don’t think loneliness has ever been so prevalent in my life as it is now. It’s odd because I finally have a few local friends whom I love and value so much. Yet there’s this inner loneliness. Probably due to the death of my grandpa. I’m sensing that I am not processing his death as healthily as I should.

Anyway…

This weekend we should finally have a second car! What a blessing that would be. Found a little VW Cabrio yesterday for the wife, and it’s definitely a car for her. My hope is that she’ll like it so much that she’ll finally get out of the house. Our marriage is in need of space, and having a second vehicle will hopefully aide that.

Anyway…

I’m thinking of giving up sugar for a while, see what happens. Not sure how to do that, though. Research is needed…

Anyway.

Last Wednesday I got word that my aunt Judy had passed on from death into life after a multi-year battle with cancer. On Friday night I packed up and headed to southern Illinois to be with my family for the funeral on Saturday.

When I got there I also learned that my uncle Rich had taken a turn for the worse, and was in a coma, having been given a day or so to live. After the celebration funeral services for Judy, about 8 of us headed over to be with my aunt Nancy and uncle Rich.

I stayed for several hours, and the similarities between watching him die and watching my grandpa die were so similar – it was almost surreal at times. For those two men, I finally got to see with my own eyes that death by “natural causes” is a process.

My cousin Rhonda likened it to giving birth – the waiting, the labor, and the relief of the big moment. Absent of our Christian faith, as my cousin put it, it’s a rather morbid thought process. Yet it is also so real.

I left for home at 7pm ET, and drove with my iPod on shuffle for a while. I have over 4,000 songs on that device, and at 8pm it played “Go Rest High” by Vince Gill. It’s one of my favorite songs by him. The song choice was interesting because for the previous hour my iPod has been playing mostly speed metal and 90s indie alternative stuff. “Go Rest High” was out of place. I thought how cool it would be if uncle Rich happened to pass at that moment since that song seemed appropriate.

At 8:10 I got the call. Uncle Rich had passed at 7:50, just 10 minutes prior to “Go Rest High” playing.

For the record, I don’t believe in happenstance. At all.

So for now I’m back in Cincinnati, and in a day or so we’ll head back to Illinois to put his body in the grave, grieve, and yet celebrate another redeemed soul called home.

What a summer this has been. So much death. More to come. It continues to put things in perspective for me.