It starts off innocent and well-intentioned. Emotional highs and just the joy of connecting with someone. Then there’s one thing that, unbeknownst to you at the time, sets your life off in a direction you’ll later regret deeply.
The one thing could be sex, living together, having a child (or several), or even sharing a bank account. Something that’s done where one of the couple isn’t 100% on board.
Having caved on that thing, later when something else comes up – planning a wedding, buying a house, deciding between job offers – the foundation of the relationship is seen for what it really is: A farce. It’s made up of so much bending and caving that nothing is real. It’s sand, and it won’t take much to start the erosion.
Later, when those initial feelings that started the relationship wear off, something will take its place. Life abhors a vacuum. For many it’s feelings of resentment – toward yourself, toward the spouse, toward life. “What was I thinking?!” Then one day you wake up and realize the relationship is a hollow shell. It looks great from the outside. You have a house, a business, two kids, a few friends, and a comfortable life. But you’re not connected to anyone, and connection is what you want more than anything.
This is where life becomes a trudge because you’re trying to live a normal life with someone you’re not connected to in a non-tangible way. Your friends talk about how they love long car rides because they can finally talk and connect, and you think to yourself, “Our conversations are about events, happenstance, and problems…not life.” You hang out with a buddy or two, start talking marriage, and learn that your pals really do love their spouse with intensity and deep satisfaction. You, however, do not. Soon you begin to notice that it’s not just the relationship that’s a shell, but you yourself are becoming…no, you are a shell. There’s nothing left inside that makes you, you.
Seeing how very different your life and relationship is compared to your friends, you erect the strongest wall internally you can muster. No one shall enter and see how truly messed up things are. No one would even want to – they would take one look and run. And these assumptions are only confirmed by the few you’ve already let in for a sneak peek who had no words of grace, no understanding, no helpful kinship, only judgement and the “call me if you need anything” reply folks give when they just want to exit your life as quickly as possible. So the walls go up until a force from within – regret, primarily – will burst them open again some day down the road.
It started out so blamelessly and well-intentioned, and with great hope, this relationship. And now all you can think about is what life would be like divorced, knowing that the divorce path will come with sacrifices you can’t begin to imagine right now in terms of your relationship with your kids, your business, your friends, and all future relationships.
“If only I hadn’t caved on that one thing… if only I had stuck to what I knew was right for me… if only I remained open for someone I am compatible with.” These thoughts echo through the mind several times per day, building a case for parting.
The end is undetermined. There are plenty of older generations who lived like this and simply stuck it out. Maybe the partners had an affair or two, or maybe they just dug in and stayed together because parting was too costly. There are others who divorce and couldn’t be happier with their new lives. Others divorce and wish they hadn’t. Some kids in the broken family end up strong and aware of what’s up. Other kids secretly take on the blame and later have to work it out. The same could be said about kids who are raised in a broken marriage. There is no template.
What can be said is this: To anyone single and looking for their match to marry, stick to your guns. Stay true to what you know is best for you, and in so doing you’ll be better equipped to serve your partner. You’ll serve them out of love, not obligation. You’ll be with someone you’re connected to in the intangible ways. You’ll have a contentment in life that many long for.
