I just broke a long string of posts titled with a single word. I tend to be zealous about adhering to rules I make up for myself, and breaking the one-word-post-title rule is somewhat fitting for what I need to write about.
My recent posts have been very short for a reason – I’ve been getting free from some shit that’s plagued my mind and soul for years.
It started around a month ago while seeing my psychologist. We talked about a few things that eventually led me to a big moment: I realized that my default way of thinking about people is that everyone hates me, or is at least very annoyed by my existence. It sounds silly to say aloud or write, but it’s true. When a person crosses my mind throughout the day that person’s vibe is totally negative toward me. This applies to literally everyone I’ve ever met, even my wife, my son, my parents, my clients, my vendors, my friends, pals, and tweeps. Everyone. The consequence is that I go through each day interacting with people based on the belief/assumption that I am loathed.
The doc and I talked this through. I had never thought about the way I think before, so as I spoke this realization aloud it was a surprise to hear it – surprised by how awfully true it is. My doc is a good man, a follower of Jesus, and so we spent the last 10 minutes of our time with him praying for me after I told him that it’s one thing to know what’s wrong with me; it’s something entirely different to know what to do about it. His response was that this is when God can do His best work.
Two days later I’m praying about the realization when a thought whispers in my head: My default way of thinking about people isn’t limited to people; I have the same, perhaps deeper, assumptions about God’s attitude toward me. In short, I don’t believe that God loves me, or would want anything to do with me.
Stunned. It’s true. That is exactly what I believe in my gut-of-guts.
And isn’t it funny how all this works together? I realized all this starting with people, then realized it about God, and then it hit me that this is why I can’t seem to get beyond Step 3 in my 12 Step program of recovery from an addiction. I can say the 3rd step prayer, but the actual Step wording is something I am really struggling to digest and believe.
Having realized all of this I confessed it to God.
See, it’s not that I don’t believe in God – I do. I also believe He is a loving God…just toward other select people; me not included.
When I confessed this some stuff started to happen.
First, one of the primary contacts from the old house church reached out to me. I’ve blogged a lot about the pain that first house church’s breakup caused, and over our 3 hour lunch the door was opened to share how much I feel like I screwed all those relationships over to the point of fatality. The conversation was good, and from it my family and I visited our old house church crew at a BBQ a couple days later. It turned out to be a huge experience for us.
At the BBQ I was a guest again amid people who I assumed I had fucked things up so royally that I could never show my face around them again. Yet I found myself having a few conversations, all very graceful and friendly, and my fears began to subside. It was a good experience – one that I am grateful to have been part of.
Leaving the BBQ I had such peace about everything. I had forgiven myself, I had forgiven those who hurt me, and I was at peace with where things are now. When we got home my wife and I talked, and the short it was that we decided to pull our house off the For Sale market. We could no longer be followers of people – trying to move our lives to be closer to people who might not be committed to us for the long haul, for better or worse. We had to peacefully carve out our own space, and it meant staying put here. I never would have thought I’d have peace about staying in this little village. But I do.
The peace of mind then extended into every relationship I have – family, friends, pals, etc. Whereas I am normally an easily-bruised soul, wanting connectivity with a few people I value a ton, I can only describe that my heart changed over the course of a week. I’m now at peace, completely, with all relationship status’. I think it’s the “accept the things I cannot change” part of the Serenity Prayer fully realized in my life (for now?).
So that’s where things are at now. I no longer spend weekends thinking about what I’m not doing, whom I’m not with, but just being at peace doing a lot of yard work, watching a lot of Netflix, and goofing off with my son. It’s a simple life that has taken a lot of time and big realizations to accept.
As for the big realization part, that’s still very much in play. I’m finding that I cannot turn my default way of thinking off. I’m in a constant battle. And as for these beliefs as they relate to God, nothing has changed. I’ve confessed that this is where I’m at, I’m open for change, but I don’t have the slightest idea where to start. So I wait.
Bottom line is that I’ve experienced real peace of mind in several big areas, and it all seems to have been born out of a stark confession after a blunt realization. Not sure what happens next.
