Filed under: life
This blog has had a good run, and I believe the time is ripe to leave it be and consider it to have accomplished its purpose. I actually have 2 other blogs out there, both – like this one will soon be – were abandoned after I felt like the time was right.
Quite frankly, I’m stuck: I have a lot of stuff within me that I would love to have a friend near by to hash it out with. But I don’t, so I take to this blog for a PG version that omits about 50% of what’s really going on in my head. Today I wrote a post that I didn’t publish because I thought it was too personal or at least too painfully honest. With that being case I just don’t see how it’s of any value to continue writing heavily censored versions of my thought life.
The End.
Filed under: life
Two happenings have me thinking again about the concept of community.
First, yesterday I wrapped up “Turn My Mourning Into Dancing” by Henri Nouwen, after a friend passed it along to me in light of the death of my grandpa. This book was such a God-send… literally. It’s short and packed full of to-the-point insights from a humble, yet experienced, mind. The book went into areas I did not anticipate such as how we (I) tend to get into trouble with expectations in relationship with friends and our faith communities. As I read the pages it felt at times like Henri had been parked in the margins of my mind over the past 12 months, jotting notes, and this was his reply to me.
The most pointed parts in regard to relationship is Henri’s calling out our (my) tendency to want to control the response of others as we want to enter into more meaningful relationships – could be strictly within a faith community, a marriage, new friendship, etc. If I understand his thoughts correctly, and the scripture he backed his point up with, it’s almost like we (I) make our relationships into little – or big – gods that are used to fuel self-value instead of looking solely to God for that kind of validating love.
This was not a light point for me because of one particular relationship I’ve ben pursuing since mid-summer.
We were at a local mega-church (or “God Mall” per an older blog post) when a young couple stepped forward to talk about the community they live in. Turns out it was the same community my wife and I live in, and what they described was precisely what has frustrated us so much over the past three years. Specifically, how this little community is very insular; fenced and hedged backyards are where folks spend their times instead of open front porches or city parks. It’s cold. It’s difficult to have casual conversation with a fellow resident if you actually see one out and about. This community keeps to itself on a level that is quite frankly disturbing. It is my Nineveh, and I can’t help but look at our dark little house as resembling the belly of a large fish. Anyway, it’s very hard to make new friends here due to how isolation is the way of life.
After the young couple spoke, I approached them, introduced myself and we had a great conversation about being in agreement toward the little village we live in. We exchanged email addresses, and I invited the husband out for a drink or meal. Two weeks of delayed plans turned into four weeks. That then turned into eight weeks, and I’ve now lost count how many times he has said he would call to set up a time to meet only to not call.
Two things emerge in my mind from this: One, I need to heed Nouwen’s advice about relationship gods. I’ve found myself on the verge of anger and resentment because this guy and his wife led a few thousand people in prayer for our shared village only to treat me in precisely the way we prayed would cease. It’s almost surreal. To me it’s like someone complaining that people drink too much water from plastic bottles while he drinks water from a plastic bottle as he complains. Yet I cannot get worked up about this. I need only to look to God and ask him to have his will be done here as it is in Heaven.
The other thing is the truth that I share a part in the disinterest. I can come across really strong to new people – while I have an inner drive to pursue people, it can also be too strong of a drive, and that seems to turn people away. Can’t even begin to count the number of people where this has been the case – I come across too strong, people flee. I get that, and for the past 8 months I’ve made an effort to back off. I have much more work to do in this area. So I accept that part of the problem here is that I may be just too forward about wanting to get to know this fellow brother in Christ.
I have no idea what the balance is. All I know is that in community, there needs to be a lot more looking beyond myself per Nouwen’s thoughts on relationships. From what I gather from both Nouwen’s book, and a few recent podcasts from Ravi Zacharias, prayer is the only way to see a change happen within me.
Filed under: life
Autumn is en route. I saw no less than 3 bees dying on sidewalks today. Poor fellas. This time of year is to be absorbed deeply, every day of it. Summer days can blend together so easily, but autumn days and nights… they are special.
I am still sugar-free as of today, and I am in full-blown motivation mode. I feel great, I’ve dropped some pounds, and my workouts are feeling really different this past week – I feel and see progress like I’ve not seen in a long time.
Had a good practice over the weekend with the new church band thing. Really liking the make-up of this group, and I was told in prayer yesterday that I need to be careful with that. I know myself too well – the band and the music we play can become a ‘god’ of sorts before I know it. Need to keep my focus on Jesus.
Really missing my grandpa lately. The grieving process is so unpredictable, yet certain patterns emerge that I wish I could change or just be done with. I’ve noticed that I have become very emotionally sensitive on weekends, but only when I’m alone. Not on weekdays. Not when I’m with people. Just that combo. I would like to get to Illinois soon, but I just don’t see it happening unless there’s an emergency. Money, responsibilities here in Cincy, money, etc. I know my first trip back to Illinois since his death is going to be an emotional one. Perhaps I’m avoiding it?
Ok, I’ll finally admit it: I miss my iPhone. Yes, we had a bad breakup. Yes, AT&T is the second skankiest whore when it comes to cell service (second only to CinBell). But my pal Chris told me last week that Apple put video in the new Nano’s to prep for the iPod Touch w/video that will be coming soon. Apple is also ramping up ads on current iPod Touch models, which means they want to move inventory. If history repeats itself, the new Touch will be out pre-Christmas season. I will have one, only I’m keeping Verizon for phone service since AT&T can’t seem to get that part right.
There are times when I look at my son with a love within me that I did not know I was capable of.
Does it really matter if the 10 Commandments are displayed on public property or schools? Really?! I just don’t get it. I read Jesus say to give “Ceasar what is his” and I think, “That courthouse/school/fire station, etc. is Ceasar’s property.” BFD. It’s as though some Christians want these symbols to replace what people are supposed to do. Irks me…
My new favorite snack: Handful of almonds + banana.
