danielredbeard’s weblog

He was always a joker, story teller, lover of family and friends, and hard worker.

Last week as friends and family came to be with my grandpa, each began their visit by trying to joke with him. Didn’t matter if it was me – I told him about the latest thing I said to my wife that assured a response of “Danny Lee, she’s going to KILL you when she gets off those crutches!” and then he’d laugh with me.

He always found something to laugh about. He just ate up life and the people around him got to be part of the feast.

Then there were the stories. Oh how I wish I had recorded some of them. I could walk in the front door, sit down, and immediately he’d tell me a story – something that happened 50 years ago or last week. Didn’t matter. There was a story to be told.

A few years ago I heard a story on NPR about how people with friends around seem to actually live longer than solitary people. My grandpa gave us a lot of scares over the years with various heart attacks, heart surgeries, etc. It took the most aggressive form of cancer to kill him. Had he another form of cancer I know he’d be here still today because of the love and strength he found in his friends and family.

There’s just so much to say. I can hardly put my 33 years of life into a blog as it pertains to how my grandpa is part of who I am.

I miss him already. Last night was a lazy night, the kind of evening that I would normally either get a call from him or I’d pick up the phone to call and see what’s up. Our weekly calls usually lasted 30 to 60 minutes. We’d just chew the fat, talk about life, family, the weather, and whatever else came up.

This is going to take a while to get used to.

Preface:  St. Francis is probably most quoted for saying something like “preach ceaselessly; use words if you must.” When it comes to the faith that molds my life, I have grown to see the value of Francis’ words… people don’t like being preached at. I mention this because the story below is more “evangelical” in tone than I normally write. I’m not apologizing for this, but I know some of my friends do not like hearing of Jesus, so I am giving a heads up before I start… WARNING: JESUS AHEAD

Last Sunday (7/19) I drove to Illinois to visit my grandpa and grandma. Grandpa had a biopsy that showed Small Cell Cancer in his body, and he had been admitted to a nursing home for care and to get his energy up for radiation and chemo.

When I arrived he was still of sound mind – he was eating dinner with my grandma in her room. Their rooms were next to each other, and they shared a bathroom. We joked around about my wife and son, talked about the drive, the weather, my business, and the view of the Illinois River from their rooms.

After a while grandpa asked me to take him back to his room so he could rest a bit. I wheeled him over, helped him into bed, and we sat and talked some more. The tone got more somber, and we shared some tears. We told each other some stuff that doesn’t need to be repeated – all good

When I left he was sleeping peacefully. I returned the next day, and he had declined noticeably in how he looked and felt. More pain, more frequent. So much so that he missed his morning doc appointment at the hospital to set up radiation for the tumor pressing against his wind pipe. He was in a lot of pain and discomfort so the doc upped the morphine strength and frequency.

After a few hours I left to have dinner with my brother. I came back and grandpa had lost color in his face – he was very pale, and the pain and discomfort continued. He also slept a lot more, waking only when the pain became too much. I and my family there with me tried to walk that fine line with nursing care, asking them to give him meds, yet trying to keep from being annoying.

What happened that night (Monday) was nothing short of holy. Without coordination, people began to trickle into grandpa’s room. As afternoon waned into night, my brother came. A little later my mom came, and then my uncle Tim drove down from the Chicago area. He must have told his wife and kids because they showed up a little later. My grandma was wheeled in, too, and she was shook by how fast he had declined.

The room was dark, lit only by the hallway lights. Grandpa slept while moaning now and then. In the room stood and sat ten or so people who loved him deeply. When nurses and aides ended their shift, they too came in two at a time to kiss grandpa on the cheek and say goodbye, many of them crying. At this point a lot of tears were shed, and my uncle told those in the room that he wanted anyone who was a follower of Jesus to pray for grandpa right then. Thankfully I have a family that loves Jesus, and we put our hands on grandpa, prayed over him, asking God to end the suffering by way of miracle or…

It would be now appropriate to talk about what happened that made this such a powerful night. For years many of us in the family have asked grandpa about his thoughts/beliefs in Jesus, God, etc. In 1996 when I was part of a study tour of Israel I wrote down a prayer for my grandpa’s salvation, folded the little scrap of paper, and stuck it into the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. Point is: Jesus has been pursuing grandpa for many years.

On December 17, 2008 my grandpa surrendered his life to Jesus. He finally answered Jesus’ call of “follow me.” Lots more I could say on this but it’s probably best left to a voice conversation – call me

Back to the prayer over grandpa… it was powerful, peaceful, bittersweet, and yet it helped to confirm in my mind that what took place with my grandpa was real. There was a presence in that room.

Just as we had all showed up that night, we left a few at a time. I left at around midnight. When I got back to my hotel I added a day to my stay, as my intuition was screaming “stick around… you’re needed.”

The next day I came to see grandpa and he was barely awake most of the day (Tuesday). As the day went on he faded, sleeping deeper and deeper, waking only as the pain came on strong. At one point in the afternoon my cousin Nikki, who is a nurse, observed how the pain was quite strong because grandpa was moaning a lot in his sleep and generally restless. She got on grandpa’s nurse’s case to get him more meds, to which the nurse recoiled, but Nikki pressed harder. In the end Nikki won, and it rattled the nursing home Administrator to come and tell me and others to be with my grandpa in whatever way we wanted to – not to listen to the nurse who was being boneheaded. Nikki put an end to grandpa’s suffering for a few hours because she wasn’t going to take “no” for an answer. God bless her.

I stayed with grandpa throughout the day, afternoon, evening and night. Again various family were in the room with him. We took turns sitting in a chair next to his bed, and while he wasn’t aware of what was going on due to his deeper sleep, I sat and held his hand watching his chest breathe up and down, each breath getting more shallow. He was getting colder, too. I just wanted to be there with him, knowing what was coming.

At 1:30am I stood to leave, bent down, kissed him on the forehead and told him “I love you, grandpa,” and then left for the night.

When I got back to my hotel room I stayed up to 3am, crying out to God, praying, and then I got an email from a friend with a quote that I then forwarded onto my family – knowing they would get it on their mobile devices. It’s from Randy Alcorn:

“I’m standing on the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She’s an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. And then I hear someone at my side saying, “There, she’s gone.”

Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminshed size is in me, not her.

And just at that moment when someone at my side says, “There, she’s gone,” there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

And that is dying.”

At the end of the email I wrote this:

I’m sitting here picturing Jesus looking toward a horizon somewhere in Heaven, rubbing his scarred hands in anticipation, smiling, all while shouting, “Here he come… here comes Wally!”

My uncle Tim spent the night with grandpa. Tim slept on a chair in the room, and it was a restless night for grandpa. Lots of pain, discomfort…suffering.

At 6am I got a text from Tim asking why Jesus hadn’t called grandpa home yet – it didn’t make sense. Tim then thumbed through his Bible looking for a verse on eternal life when he came upon John 5:24-25:

“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live.”

After Tim read it to himself he read it to grandpa, and then looked at the clock: 7:00 am. Looking over at grandpa, Tim saw that grandpa had passed. He seemed to have passed after or during Tim’s reading of John 5:24-25.

Over the next several days we had a wake and a funeral that were made up of emotions so strong and different – the hardest days of my life so far.

I went to bed most of the last week with eye balls that were literally tired from crying. I’ve developed a great deal of love for my family, all of them.

The emotions are so mixed – great sadness and sting from the separation. Every time I walked into grandpa’s house I heard his voice saying, “Well hello there Danny Lee!” in his southern twang he kept even after living in the north for 55 years. He was born/raised in “the back hills of Kentucky,” as I’ve heard it put many times.

On the other hand, what strikes me so deeply about his passing is twofold. First, that he surrendered his life to Jesus in December. It was not done out of fear or death, but simply after years of Jesus pursuing him over and over and over until He won. Second, that God used the Word of Messiah to bring grandpa out of death and into eternal life. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been part of or heard as a story.

So much more I could say.

I drove up to Illinois thinking I would spend 2 days with 2 people I care deeply about. It ended up being 7 days, and one of the most impacting spans of time in my life so far. It’s still sinking in, and I think that a lot of good things are already being fashioned from this.

Praise God for His love, that God doesn’t give up on anyone. Praise God for grandpas, too.

today i talked with my dad, and learned that my grandpa has what’s called small cell lung cancer. that he had cancer is something we’ve known. what kind, though, was speculation.

a biopsy gave us the info, and also a diagnosis of roughly 6 months or less to live.

my grandpa is a special guy to me. there are people in our extended families that you instantly and forever connect with on some intangible level, and he is by far the one person in all of my family that i’ve connected with the strongest. can’t say any particular thing, just that we have a bond that is uniquely “grandpa.” he stood with me on stage when i married andrea (her brother stood with her – that was our “wedding party” ). i’m sure i’ll revisit a lot of other memories as this unfolds.

radiation treatment will begin soon, but not to eliminate the cancer. rather, to make what’s left of his days as comfortable as possible. i plan to make another trip to IL soon if for no other reason than to just be there for him. up until a month ago his health wasn’t the focus – it was my grandma’s declining state that was looking bad. so while all this is going on, she too is not doing well for myriad reasons not related to cancer.

so here’s the deal: if you are someone of even marginal faith in God, please pray for these two people. since i don’t know what to pray for most of the time, i usually just ask God to heal them outright or mold my intentions and understanding to his. i also ask for no suffering.

so that is/was the big heavy of the day. just to hear it with such finality after a medical biopsy – no more speculation or looking at a scan. there’s something to be said for observable science (which is why “man-made global warming” is a myth). not sure when i’ll head to IL just yet. probably during the week at some point. when i go i’ll let some of you know so we can maybe get a cup of coffee while i’m in marseilles/ottawa. peace to you, dan

I realize this morning that the theme to my life right now is The Truth. Just coming to terms with the truth in so many areas. It is a nice season to journey through, but also one of great pain and loss.