danielredbeard’s weblog

Preface:  My emotions are a wild roller coaster.

“Darkness imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror. I cannot live, I cannot die. Trapped in myself…” – Metallica

A few days ago I was on a high after meeting with our elders, and having some face time a friend. Then G came down with another fit of fever. I don’t know if demons can inflict fever, but the timing of his fever is awfully suspicious. Came literally hours after a big conversation that surely rattled the unseen world. Plus, the last time G had these fevers I literally thought I was going insane at one point. His neediness, Andrea’s helplessness, and my massive responsibilities are the perfect formula to bring me absolutely to the floor.

It’s a conflict – I have hard deadlines to meet for my clients, and the work I do for them literally pays for everything we have and need, thank God. Yet I also have to plan and prepare every meal for Andrea and G, and make sure they have food and drink when needed. G needs diaper changes, and managing at times when he gets into stuff he ought not. Andrea is couped up here in this house, and she’s slipping fast into depression…or that’s how it appears to me. Our marriage was a wreck before all of this.

This is where the rubber hits the road in terms of my expectations post. I am fighting to repress my expectations of everyone, everything around me. I want to climb up to my roof and yell at God, “Where the fuck is Your Church in this?!?! It doesn’t exist. The only sure thing is You.” And that would be consistent with Psalm 23 – where does my help truly come from?

I must redefine what The Church is to me. I am carrying around expectations from the Body that are apparently not true. I need to ask for new eyes in order to see what was meant with the whole “when I was hungry/naked, etc…. you didn’t….” thing with regard to The Church. I mean, we are probably in the most needy time of our adult lives – or at least I am – and our Church says to let them know if we need something. Is that enough? Are intentions enough in the Kingdom? I thought there was more, but maybe there’s not. I am not sure of a lot of stuff right now.

On the other hand, and to be completely blunt, I’m ready to throw in the towel and give up on The Church.

Partially because I think being The Church is infinitely harder to be than any Believer really knows until they are in a place of need.

Partially because I know what I own in the failures of being The Church. I know I am a very hard person to love, or even like… I’m high maintenance. I get it.

A pattern is set. I’ve seen in a few other lives a similar pattern emerge, and their solution was/is to simply withdraw from an organized church (lowercase “c”). I’m thinking that just might be the solution for us. We could find a church to put G in for Sunday School or something for early Christian education, but otherwise just be The Church as an entity of our home.

I don’t know.