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Splitting the cell. Hadn’t thought about the Body of Christ like an actual body that requires cells to split apart in order for it to grow and heal and replenish. And that is ultimately what became of our House Church.

When we met Sunday evening we had an awkward discussion about the past and present – a bit about the future, too – and had Andrea and I gone to such a meeting any earlier than Sunday, we would have not been in the best possible frame of mind to do what needed to be done.

Sunday night I came and left with a peace that I’ve not known in weeks – maybe a couple of months at that. Even now as I write I have peace about the HC situation, my marriage, where we will live, my career, etc. I can still be shaken, but I’m enjoying the peace of mind of knowing where to put absolute trust.

As it turns out, there might be a new HC emerging. Hope to write more on that as it develops. Right now it’s an idea.

My mind returns to C.S. Lewis’ Narnia, and it’s savior, Aslan. Some in Narnia say of Aslan, “He’s not a tame lion.” Goose bumps.

My head is spinning. Too much to put down in words right now – most of it good.

BTW… a note about who is reading this blog…

I thought I was being clever and responsible when I closed this down for a month or so in order to purge some readers whom had been hurt or disturbed or weirded-out by what I write here. And when I look at the stats here, 99% of the hits are coming from google searches for “obama funny” or “hotdogginit” or “safe eyes.” Very few hits – if any – are coming from Facebook or somewhere that I could identify as a friend reading it.

Then a brother (hey!) told me he’s been keeping up with this blog via RSS feed, and I hadn’t thought of that. So I guess what I’m saying is that I am thankful for the 1-2 people who have contacted me through this dark season of life because of something they read here.

Last Thursday the wife and I began marriage counseling, and this first meeting was a mix of just about everything that I’ve been mulling over / fighting with lately.

Big picture – I had my expectation set very low for this first meeting. Since it would be a get-to-know-you thing, I did not anticipate much. When we hit a few big nerves for me, and clarity came from it, I was blown away. Not ready to write about those things, but suffice to say it was a much better experience than I had expected.

Expected… expectations… this is a theme.

Obviously we talked about our marriage and relationships. The counselor is one that actually talks, which is different from the style I am used to. I welcome this style. We made our next appointment for this coming week, and we’ll be meeting weekly for a while.

By Friday I realized that this counseling session turned out to contain some kind of pivotal role in my macro view of this season of life. Once I was able to get a few things realigned in my head, everything else seemed to realign (much like my wife’s recent surgery, actually… hmmmm…).

Just today I was sitting with my fam having lunch, and just basking in how much I love to serve them. That’s a pretty big deal. God had been whispering this to me – that I ought to see my complaints of having to do too much as an opportunity to serve for Him – and this season of life has pretty much forced me to either live in misery, or choose an attitude of enjoyment toward service. I’ve found that I am wired for this. Despite my wife’s nickname for me of “Single-Task-Dan,” I am a multitasker’s multitasker. Not saying this out of pride, but rather transformation of my attitude.

In his recent podcast series, Ravi Zacherias is talking about marriage, and in the first segment he builds to a point that rocked me: Love is a much a matter of the will as it is one’s emotions. If I will to love someone it will happen. Period. This is how the highly-successful arranged marriage system has worked for perhaps thousands of years, and I never really looked at it like that. So I’m willing myself to love my wife in new ways… ways that are in the details – what Mother Theresa would call “small things.”

Last night I cleaned our house. Today before lunch I had done all of the yard work. Last weekend I planted flowers. In between I cook all meals, do all laundry, change a ton of diapers, chase a toddler, get stuff for my wife, make sure she is getting out of the house often, and – oh yeah – keeping our small business humming. I love doing all of this stuff, and I am giving self-pity the finger the last few days.

Tonight is a backyard time with friends and their kids, with some good food. Tomorrow is the “big” house church meeting. Monday is a cook out with my in-laws. Tomorrow should be interesting. My expectations have been widdled down to either separation or continuation. In either scenario I know I follow God to whatever is next. I’m already nervous.

BTW – I’m reading rapidly through “Irresistable Revolution” by Shane Claiborne, and it is such a great book so far. Totally differend from “Jesus for President,” as this is story-telling rather than preaching and history. I have burned through nearly 100 pages in the last 3 days. Good stuff. Very challenging, yet it also echos a lot of what I have thought about regarding the state of the Church in America. Book report forthcoming.

Saturday I needed a new book to read so I picked a copy of Iresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne. Got maybe 20 pages into it, and then went to the “God Mall.”

It just so happened that a new series was starting this weekend called Revolution.

What’s more, the first topic is how spiritual maturity is gained by filling one’s committments. If God has told me to committ to someone(s) or something, then I need to finish the job.

We even covered how the Church was started in homes, the reasons for that, and what Acts says were the basic elements of community, starting with committment.

Still unpacking this in my mind and soul.

Looks like our HC will have a group meeting a week from today to clear the air. The wife and I begin marriage counseling this week, too. Big things are happening.

Tonight my family will do something we’ve not done in a couple of years: Go to a church building, and a megachurch at that. On top of that, it’s a church organization that I have referred to as the “God Mall” and the “Death Star” due to it’s cold and huge architecture. I have been outspoken about this place after a tragedy occurred there within the past year. I had washed my hands completely of church-with-walls, until the implosion of our house church.

Sometimes I think that God simply enjoys taking what I believe is really right, and turning it on its head, causing me to live in absolute humility. It’s about as practical a way of telling me not to get too full of myself as I could imagine.

For the past few years I have enjoyed what I considered to be authentic community. Then when the shit hit the fan, and my family actually needed community to help us through this current season of life, we found out that all we had were good intentions — no works behind it. My past posts have illustrated how I am still struggling to understand this way of the Kingdom, and my own place in this way.

But while I chew on and pray through it, I took notice of a few things this past week: Namely, the people I have relationships with that are not just emails and calls, but real community are all connected to this one church organization. There’s something going on there, and tonight we’ll check it out to see what’s up.

The other thing that is interesting is that this I’ve learned this megachurch is prepping to plant a division of itself in Anderson Township, where we are trying to move to once we sell our house. Our house has been on market for roughly 9 months with no offers. Lots of interest, but no offers. We’re about to give up as of July 1st. But if we sense that our faithfulness is leading us to something we can’t see with our eyes, only through faith, then we’ll keep the For Sale sign up as long as possible.

All I know is that I see something in front of me, and I’m going for it. Taking care of “it.” I know my wife is not being fed spiritually, so we’ll go where I know it’s possible for that to happen if she’s open to it. In doing this I will swallow hard because of how outspoken I’ve been toward this place. We’ll see what happens.

^32-39Remember those early days after you first saw the light? Those were the hard times! Kicked around in public, targets of every kind of abuse—some days it was you, other days your friends. If some friends went to prison, you stuck by them. If some enemies broke in and seized your goods, you let them go with a smile, knowing they couldn’t touch your real treasure. Nothing they did bothered you, nothing set you back. So don’t throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It’s still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God’s plan so you’ll be there for the promised completion. ~ Hebrews 10

(edit: the previous way i wrote this sounded like i was whining, and i am not.…just trying to make some declarative statements about what i understand and what i don’t.)

This I know:  I am not to expect to be treated well or fair by not-yet-Christians. Jesus, and this passage, speak to that.

This I know: The Church is to serve one another in humility. It would be very bad to be the one who did nothing when we see someone sick, hurt, hungry, naked, etc.

This I know:  The Church is the “bride of Christ,” and that in the ancient sacred texts of Jewish, Christian and Islamic faiths, God’s chosen people are likened to His bride (though in each faith, the chosen people are different).

This I do not know: How asking for help fits into all of this. Asking for help is the one thing that I’ve heard the most with regard to where I and my wife went wrong in our HC relationships – we assumed there would be help since our friends knew the crap condition of our marriage right now, and how stressful having reconstructive leg surgery would be with a toddler.

My fault in the HC drama, so it is explained to me by different people who do not know each other, was expecting The Church to be The Church. I should have asked for help, and not expected help to come.

Emotions want to disagree HARD with this, shake my fist at a few people. Yet this backwards logic would seem to fit with other Kingdom logic like the last will be first/the first will be last, and to die to self is to live, etc.

I am wrestling hard with this because as I think about it, I see more and more failures on my part – people I’ve not been ears/eyes/hands to, yet no one called me on it. This is hard.

I love being entertained. When I read a book, watch TV, see a play or movie, I give myself to that world completely – totally. I doubt I’ve said “That would never happen in real life” too much because I’m not thinking of real life when I’m being entertained. This has set me up to be really WOW’d by a few moments in media.

Today I had a moment while reading a book that caused me to literally stop reading, look away from it, and audibly say “WOW.” Immediately I started thinking of these few media moments that had a similar reaction from me.

The book I am reading that caused this moment of WOW! is turning out to be a great read, and the moment that I reacted to isn’t really too much of a spoiler for someone who thinks through plot devices, but nonethless in case someone stumbles across this little corner of the interwebz, I’ll put the book title in “invisotext”… highlight to read:  Life Expecancy by Dean Koontz.

The moment was the first line of a chapter near the end: “My name is Lorrie Tock.” Chills run up my arm just typing it!!!

Other moments…

The beginning of Season 2 of LOST, where we discover Desmond living in The Hatch, as he goes through his morning routine. When the money shot finally came just before the LOST logo, I literally stood up out of my seat, grasped my mouth, and was literally stunned. LOST has given me a few others, too, like this entire current season. That show is just too damn good for television.

From childhood, I recall getting pay-per-view of Wrestlemania when Adre “The Giant” fought Hulk Hogan in front of 50k+ people. The match, while not too athletic, was the zenith of a great story build, and The Moment came when The Slam Heard Round The World closed a great event.

Visually, the film “City of the Lost Children” is simply beautiful. I did not want that film to end.

In sports, Michael Jordan gave me two distinct moments: 1- the behind the head layup/dunk thing he did without looking – a highlight that has been played probably 10k times. 2 – The game he played with a high fever; I think he had the flu or something. You could tell he was just doing it for love of game, and that moment where he and Scottie did the shoulder hug as they walked off court. Oh – (3)- The first game the Bulls won after Jordan’s dad died. Big WOW moments.

That’s all I got.

I’d like to thank my mom for being my mom. I appreciate that my parents have stuck it out, and given me a marriage model that doesn’t include divorce as an option for resolution.

I’d like to thank my wife for how she loves and cares for Garrett. She is the yin to my yang, and will help balance him out as he grows. She is probably also a better model of faith for him as well, and I don’t voice my appreciation of that enough.

I’d also like to say that on this day I mourn with the mothers I know personally who have lost a child to death. I can’t imagine what that is like, but God has given me great compassion for you.

Thank you, God, for moms.

Preface:  My emotions are a wild roller coaster.

“Darkness imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror. I cannot live, I cannot die. Trapped in myself…” – Metallica

A few days ago I was on a high after meeting with our elders, and having some face time a friend. Then G came down with another fit of fever. I don’t know if demons can inflict fever, but the timing of his fever is awfully suspicious. Came literally hours after a big conversation that surely rattled the unseen world. Plus, the last time G had these fevers I literally thought I was going insane at one point. His neediness, Andrea’s helplessness, and my massive responsibilities are the perfect formula to bring me absolutely to the floor.

It’s a conflict – I have hard deadlines to meet for my clients, and the work I do for them literally pays for everything we have and need, thank God. Yet I also have to plan and prepare every meal for Andrea and G, and make sure they have food and drink when needed. G needs diaper changes, and managing at times when he gets into stuff he ought not. Andrea is couped up here in this house, and she’s slipping fast into depression…or that’s how it appears to me. Our marriage was a wreck before all of this.

This is where the rubber hits the road in terms of my expectations post. I am fighting to repress my expectations of everyone, everything around me. I want to climb up to my roof and yell at God, “Where the fuck is Your Church in this?!?! It doesn’t exist. The only sure thing is You.” And that would be consistent with Psalm 23 – where does my help truly come from?

I must redefine what The Church is to me. I am carrying around expectations from the Body that are apparently not true. I need to ask for new eyes in order to see what was meant with the whole “when I was hungry/naked, etc…. you didn’t….” thing with regard to The Church. I mean, we are probably in the most needy time of our adult lives – or at least I am – and our Church says to let them know if we need something. Is that enough? Are intentions enough in the Kingdom? I thought there was more, but maybe there’s not. I am not sure of a lot of stuff right now.

On the other hand, and to be completely blunt, I’m ready to throw in the towel and give up on The Church.

Partially because I think being The Church is infinitely harder to be than any Believer really knows until they are in a place of need.

Partially because I know what I own in the failures of being The Church. I know I am a very hard person to love, or even like… I’m high maintenance. I get it.

A pattern is set. I’ve seen in a few other lives a similar pattern emerge, and their solution was/is to simply withdraw from an organized church (lowercase “c”). I’m thinking that just might be the solution for us. We could find a church to put G in for Sunday School or something for early Christian education, but otherwise just be The Church as an entity of our home.

I don’t know.