danielredbeard’s weblog

Crafty devil… I find myself in a place where I am fully aware of what is going on under the surface with me, and how it relates to – in part and in full – the chaos of late. Yet because of said chaos, I don’t have anyone near-by I can go to with all of this “stuff.”

Check, but not check-mate…yet.

The nice thing is that I will have a day trip tomorrow, and another on Friday. Thursday night and all day Friday I will be totally alone, too, which will give me some serious downtime.

In light of my new, yet temporary, responsibilities here at home, I am testing a new routine where I basically get right to work when I wake at 7am. I am trying to get in the habit of working out in the evening, while the others are eating dinner. I love having a routine to get in the groove with. Garrett changes that, makes it tougher to get into and stay into a groove, but I’ll take it.

As I lay down to sleep last night I suddenly thought about several men and women I really respect as Christians, and how none of them are consistently part of an organized group – a church (lower-case “c”) or whatnot. In a few cases I know why…I know of some of the drama they have been part of directly or indirectly. In a few cases I think they simply gave up on the church-as-we-know-it-in-America idea. I am sure this realization is my mind trying to seek out validation and comfort even when I am not aware that I am doing so. Still, there is something to be said about it.

Haven’t heard too much good music in a few months. Last great thing I heard is actually 6 years old, when a friend gave me a copy of Muse’s “Absolution.” Can’t say enough good things about that music. I love when a band puts together an album that is complete, beginning to end. The Jellyfish did it with Spilt Milk… Metallica did it with Justice… Jeff Buckley did it with Grace… Fiona Apple did it with Extraordinary Machine. Just love that stuff.

Big trip to Chillicothe on Wednesday, and then the wife and son leave for Detroit Thursday night for a Friday appointment. I’ll be up in Mt. Vernon on Friday. Might not get to post til the weekend.

Somewhat nice to have some “closure” to it, but today was as much an end to the house church as anything. Had an IM conversation that probably should have been in person or at least by phone with one of our elder leaders. My fault on that. Sometimes I just get into a conversational groove with blinders on. Is what it is.

I feel like a lot of what was presented was based on conclusions that weren’t acurate, and once again I accept blame for enteringing into a conversation and accepting the premis’.

What I should have done with this conversation and the one I had a few days ago was just STFU, and let my wife speak for herself.

I would bet $2,000.00 that had I done that, the house church wouldn’t have imploded as of today. We’d still be sitting on a lot of tension, and a lot of unresolved issues, yet still somewhat of a unit.

The answer to peace of mind right now is the stress-and-drama-test. If “it” is the cause or source of stress and/or drama, I need to cut ties immediately. As a fixer, that is quite hard to do.

Anyway, that’s that. It’s over. I’ve been voted off the island. I have no idea how to logically think I am still welcome to any OCC events or what not. I will assume I have been cut off.

Moving on.

you all have no idea how much this hurt me.

Talk about change – seems like big changes are happening everywhere I turn in my life. Tonight I had a few conversations, and thought a lot about other conversations I’ve had in the last week. It seems all but inevitable that the house church we have been part of for nearly 2 years is fizzling out of existence.

I could write a long post on why I think it’s happening, but it would be a very personal, esoteric post. Suffice to say, community – real Community – is not easy at all. It requires more faith, more grace, and more humility than one might think. The trick is that everyone has to be willing to go to that place of more faith, grace, and humility. If not, the breakdown will come, and it might just come after relationships have developed. The breakdown acts as a cancer within the relationship, eating it from within. Then suddenly BAM… it’s over.

Tonight I tried – likely poorly – to comfort my wife as she lay crying on our sofa regarding the near-complete lack of inquiries about her health and well-being from our house church “community.” As I write this I can only use the word “stunned” to describe how I feel at the moment. Did she do something to piss everyone off? Why no calls, why no visit? Why…?

We do have a handful of dear friends who have been keeping in touch. Two of her friends live in California, and would be here with her doing whatever they could if they could. One of these friend even sent us a gift card to Applebees because she can’t be here to deliver a meal! Now that is the love of Christ demonstrated… not just talked about.

And that’s what irks me, I suppose:  The Church I am familiar with here in the Midwest is mostly one of reaction and talk, not of pro-action and that faith/works combo James (and Jesus ) was a fan of.  Drives me nuts while making me really sad at the same time.

Brennan Manning is probably most famous for his book “The Ragamuffin Gospel,” and secondarily famous for his spoken blurb before a mid-90s DC Talk song where he says something like (paraphrase): The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips (words), but deny Him by their lifestyle. THAT is what an unbelieving world finds so unbelievable.

I know I said I would try to be more upbeat, less dark on this, but that’s out the window. I only see darkness around me right now, and that’s where I have to write from.

A little warnig – the next few posts will probably be in the Lamentations (OT book) line of writing… ok, maybe not that bad, but dark.

Andrea has had her surgery, and is recovering well. The build up to the surgery included me not wanting to think through the implications because my gut was telling me it would just depress me. Now I know why.

She is completely unable to much of anything with regard to taking care of Garrett or house work, which means all of what she  used to do now falls on me. So each morning I make sure he is up and fed, dressed and changed, and has something of entertainment to occupy himself with. Simultaenously I need to make sure Andrea has meds, an ice pack, food, and that she’s not trying to do too much. In pockets of time I check email from my iPhone, and make a mental list of clients/projects to keep up with. Once everyone is ready, I head up to my office having not yet showered or prepped myself for the day at all.

I then take care of client needs which includes actual design work, emails, IMs, and prospect follow-up. If I get a shower before 1pm, it’s a good day. Before that, though, the lunch routine has to happen, and before that I have a dozen or so interruptions of Garrett getting into something he knows is off limits, or meandering somewhere Andrea cannot get him.

This obviously stretches my day out into the night as far as work is concerned, and already today I’ve had to cancel 2 appointments with prospect clients – our business is and will continue to suffer. I wouldn’t be shocked if it outright failed due to this season of life.

Then the night comes. Andrea requires help getting meds and changing out ice packs, and we do this hoping Garrett doesn’t wake up. When he does it’s an instant hour shaved off from my sleep. Once 4am rolls around, I know I am going to be awaken by an out-of-nowhere scream fest, and this will happen every hour until he’s awake at 9am. Then the day starts all over.

As the day goes on I converse with God. Right now I’m very much in he Jonah frame of mind… I’m pissed. At the same time, however, I want to change my attitude and serve with a gracious core. I have no idea how to change that part of me.

The other thing that is striking to me is how the “community” we are part of, our house church, is silent. Aside from one family whom we have had nothing but good, actual community with, we have had pretty much no contact in terms of calls or visits. Same thing from the men’s group I am part of – no calls, no visits, no care.

I’ll be honest: I think community is a load of horse shit right now. If “community” is showed by voiceless phrases on Facebook, then I’ve got it all wrong. Community turns out to not be about helping each other out, keeping in touch, and genuinely loving other people. Community is periodic check-ins that are not too much deeper than the chit-chat one has at a Walmart checkout isle with the clerk.

I’m bitter.

Woe is me. Might as well eat worms.

I am grateful for the one friendship we have that is genuine. This family brought food, flowers, some DVDs, and cookies over today, then stayed and chatted to see how Andrea was doing. That shit is rare. But it’s real, and it’s what I think of as Community.