Filed under: life
Whew…what a trip. Left Tuesday morning for Illinois, arrived mid-afternoon. Freshened up and headed straight for the nursing home to see my grandmother.
It had been nearly a year since I had seen her. Last time was at a big family get together last June, and she was in high spirits, just normal grandma. In the last year big things had happened, for her and for me. It didn’t quite hit me until I saw her that this span of time since our last in-person visit had covered so much change.
For me, obviously, it was Andrea’s pregnancy and the birth of Garrett. Then these early months of his life, coupled with a major career shift into self-employment, and a few other smallish-big things. For her, it was a few sicknesses, and at least one stroke.
In my head I knew all that had happened, that my mom had stayed with her and my grandpa for many weeks to care for them, but it was a story told via infrequent phone calls and emails. Not to mention, on the edges of my very changing life. I had this knowledge, and prepared myself accordingly before heading up to see her and other family, to introduce her great-grandson to her for the first time.
Yet knowledge can take a person so far – never to the end of what something really means. When we entered her room I was taken aback by how much she had aged in these seemingly short 11 months. Her body was swollen with “fluid” (whatever that means) from congestive heart issues, and the stroke seems to have caused her to slur her speech a bit. But she also seemed heavily medicated. She is in this home to recoup from a fall where she broke an ankle. The intention is not “forever,” as I understand it.
After the physical, I then was able to take in conversation with her, and was again taken aback. Only this time it wasn’t by how much decline had happened. Just the opposite. I think my grandma understood more of a conversation than I can remember in recent years. She had a very present look in her eyes – a fire, almost. I left that day with the word “dignity” on my mind, as that is how I felt she had aged: With dignity.
As a teen I worked in two different nursing homes, and got to know many of the residents. It was life-enriching, but it also was sometimes depressing to watch people give up on life. I was encouraged to see in my grandma that she had not given up. What’s more, seeing Garrett seemed to fuel the life I already saw in her. I felt this was so to such a degree that I had us go back the following morning to surprise her, where it could be just her and my little family. Again I saw dignity and a zest for life, even it was taxed by an ailing body.
Sure, it was a lot to take in. I broke down when I had a chance to do so. It’s a lot to take in, to realize. But I will not slumber off into a hole, depressed and sad because the inevitable is taking place. I will not fill my mind with things that are not in Scripture, either. There’s a lot about death that the Bible doesn’t say. For instance, some people say things like, “______ is looking down from Heaven on us.” I find that depressing. If Heaven is where God dwells, and loved ones are with Him, I sorta doubt we are competing for attention. Plus there’s the issue of what actually happens after death – I don’t know.
But that’s a whole case of worms to unpack later.
The trip also allowed Garrett and his cousin to meet for the first time. For a first-time meeting, I think it was great. His cousin really warmed up to him toward the end. Later in the trip we got to go to DeKalb and see my pal Tobie and his wife/kids. We spent a great evening eating, and hanging out on their porch. We then drove back today, about an 8 hour drive that normally takes 5. Garrett was not the cause – fucking Chicago traffic was! I like visiting there, but living in/around the Chicagoland area is a season of my life that is long-gone. I’ll take the easy pace of Cincinnati, with all it’s issues.
Anyway, the trip was heavy. I’m still downloading everything, and needed to make the first deposit into this thing. See what else comes up in the coming days.
