It starts off innocent and well-intentioned. Emotional highs and just the joy of connecting with someone. Then there’s one thing that, unbeknownst to you at the time, sets your life off in a direction you’ll later regret deeply. The one … Continue reading
My house church is studying Jesus’ “Sermon on the Mount,” and I’ve been reading through the scripture on my own in between our times together to get a better grasp of what Jesus’ teachings are. I mean, this is pretty … Continue reading
I just broke a long string of posts titled with a single word. I tend to be zealous about adhering to rules I make up for myself, and breaking the one-word-post-title rule is somewhat fitting for what I need to … Continue reading
I haz a Tumblr. Today I wrote about our over-the-weekend decision to stay put in Wyoming, Ohio. Here’s a link: Staying Put in Wyoming, Ohio Cheers.
“God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.”
3rd Step Prayer, The Big Book
The last two weeks have been two of the most revealing weeks of my life to date.
There are no words…yet. Just one: Freedom.
Freedom from the lies and filters I’ve allowed myself to live by.
By the grace of God I’m being loosed.
Life gets a lot more streamlined when I face simple, albeit brutal, truths. The truth I’ve accepted in the last week or so: I’m an asshole, and most of that which I complain about is of my own doing; it’s my fault.
I’ve had other times where lights have come on.
I vividly remember a design project while in college where I used the creation process to accept the truth that God made me in His image, and specifically, He made me a creative person, a designer. It would be some ten years later before I would accept that I’m an artist.
Or around a year ago – early springtime 2010 – when I faced the truth that I am an addict, and joined a 12 Step program. That led to the truth that the addiction wasn’t specific to one thing, but that I was practicing several addictions. Bottom line is that the addiction is merely the outer working of a life directed by sin internally. “Self-will run riot.” Drink, drugs, lust, food, anger, control, risk…these are the porticos of the soul. The real condition is found in the inner rooms.
We face truth and truth is often a call to action. As a branding guy I get that. Truth demands action, almost every time. The upside is that when one is faced with stark, beautiful, terrifying truth, the intimidation and fear are only second to the clarity and clear-headedness truth causes.
Jesus is quoted as saying, “I am the Truth…” or “the Truth will set you free…” and now more than ever those statements scare me. I have a deep fear of God.
Will He know me?
Am I known by Him?
What I’m doing right now, if I were to die in the next instant, is my life a reflection of gratitude and response to Truth?
These are the thoughts that cross my mind over and over throughout the day.
I’m an asshole. It’s my fault. Truths. No idea what comes next.
I’ve begun another period of Facebook abstinence. The last period I took off was the month of October 2010, and during that time I recall how astonished I was at the increased productivity, overall mood enhancement, and yet I went back. I’m not sure what compelled me to go back – maybe just my sense of loyalty to keep the “I’ll be back on Nov. 1st…” post I left.
This time around I’ve left the timeline wide open. Truth is, I don’t know when or if I’ll be back at all. I’m sharing my reasoning, in varying degrees of transparency, with different friends, getting their feedback. It’s interesting what conversations have come up in just a few days, ranging from nothing at all (“Do what’s good for you, Dan”) to eye rolls (“Dan, I think you take things too seriously at times”) or frustration (“Facebook is how we see your son; that’s very selfish of you”).
Here are a few of my reasons.
Neck Strain. Most of the people I interact with on Facebook represent my past. People I knew from grade, junior, and high school – not to mention college – are not part of my current offline life. As a result I’m constantly in two worlds, that of my past, and the now. I’d like to at least spend more time in the now.
Resentorama. Resentments are a biggie for me. I hold grudges. For years. If I had unresolved differences with someone, they are as alive to me today as the day they surfaced. The problem is that a lot of people that I’ve been too chickenshit to mend fences with are also Facebook pals. I see them, their lives, how I’m no longer a welcome part of it, and it pisses me off on a very, very deep level. Not good.
Old Flames. I asked my wife one day, “How many Facebook (guy) friends have you made out with?” thinking that it was normal for one to have a lot of their ex’s as Facebook pals. She didn’t answer the question. Maybe it’s that I always ended past romances in either nuclear drama, or in a true “let’s just be friends, k?” but I have a hard time resisting the Add To Friends button. The downside is obvious. I truly don’t need to have all those ex’s as “friends.”
“Friends.” This is tied with first place in my reasoning. Most of my connections are not actually “friends” in the literal sense. Yet I’m allowing these people in to my life by way of thoughts (posts), photos, etc. I hate what Facebook has done to the term “friend.”
Time. It’s so simple, yet so difficult. Time. I do a poor job of managing time. As a business owner, father, husband and real friend, I scold myself every time I realize that I have devoted actual seconds to reading the thoughts of some chick I may have said 5 words to in 6th grade or in Sunday School. What am I thinking? Why am I reading the thoughts of all these people?! I caught the social media bug in 2004 or 5 with myspace. I used myspace a ton. I was an early adapter when Facebook opened up beyond schools. It’s not even been a decade, but it seems like 2-3 decades. I need to do an overhaul in time management for my life, family, and career.
It all adds up to some really inane bullshit. Living in the past, a conduit for maintaining resentments, old romances, false friends, and bad time management. And the upside is…. what, again? What makes Facebook better than a phone call?
I miss the world pre-internet. Yes, I see the ironies of writing that. Doesn’t make it less true.
So right now I’m high on being sober of Facebook. I’m still tweeting, tumblring, and Linkedin’ing. It’s Facebook that is my poison. Need some serious, long time away. So long as I leave a reentry date undefined I might just make it to “never.” That’s a worthy goal.
In 1994 I befriended a girl named Stephanie during my freshman year of college. We had such a cool friendship; like peanut butter and jelly. Just a great match. One thing about her, though, was her voice: The girl could sing like few I’ve known so far.
I loved listening to her sing. She would sit down at a piano where ever we were, and start playing “Send In The Clowns” or “Raining In Baltimore.” There was one time in particular that stands out. We were driving down a country back road after visiting my home town for a weekend day, and I had some country music cranked up. It was Tim McGraw’s “Don’t Take The Girl.” At the start of the second verse Stephanie starts harmonizing with Tim on the radio, and continued harmonizing for the balance of the song!
Her ear for music balance was keen, too. I was impacted not just by her spot-on second and third part harmonies, but also by how she belted them out with a volume dynamic that never overtook Tim’s lead. That’s what a good harmony does.
She encouraged me to sing in front of people. She was one of the few I’d ever sang in front of, and that harmonizing with the radio stuff was inspiring.
Five years later I’m living in Zion, Illinois and feel led to a church across the street. Turns out they need a worship band leader, and I’ve been in worship bands as a guitarist for the last 5 years. But I hadn’t let anyone hear me sing. The pastor met with me a few times and asked if I’d like to try leading. I agreed, and set a practice date.
I remember thinking: These people don’t know me from Adam…I could just walk in there and act like I’ve been singing for years and years, and no one would know the difference unless I really suck. I wonder what would happen…
Well, that’s exactly what I did. I came to the first practice, set up a mic for myself, plugged in my guitar and began leading, playing, and singing in front of all these strangers. It was liberating.
While I’m totally comfortable leading a worship band, or any band for that matter, what I love most is singing in harmony with other musicians. For the last year or so I was part of a small church that had a trio of us who did just that from time to time. Harmony means you’re part of something. It’s like the community of music. Cheesy, probably…but also the truth.
Guess I’m just in an allegorical mood. Finding a lot of meaning in harmony tonight.
